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5 Years

Today, October 12th, is 5 years since her suicide. Around this time each year, I begin to grieve again. I will always miss my best friend.

My mom and I took this picture 12 years ago. We had taken an impromptu road trip to go to a concert while I was home from college for the summer. My car ran out of gas as we pulled into this gas station. We had to push it to the pump.

That trip was one of my favorites with her. I will cherish those memories forever.

These are the things I will always remember about her:

  • laughing with her over Gilmore Girls as we painted each other’s nails

  • sharing with her about my life—my latest crush, struggles with insecurity, and goals for the future

  • her being there for me when I had my miscarriages

  • always being able to call her anytime—day or night—when I had something to celebrate or I just needed someone to talk to

  • taking spontaneous photos shoots and her creative eye for beauty

  • how she loved people so selflessly

At times, our relationship was complicated and her mental health and alcohol addiction robbed us of a lot of time together in my high school and young adult years. But when she was sober, she was the most wonderful, kind, and beautiful person I have ever known.

While I will never fully know the specific “why” behind her suicide, I will always cherish the extra time I had with her. All those extra years I had since her first attempts when I was in high school, I am grateful that she fought against her depression and addiction.

Those years were complicated but I will always be thankful that God gave us those extra 10 years.

If you are considering harming yourself or taking your own life, you are loved. In the pain, it’s hard to see that it can get better. The people around you would not be better off without you—that is a lie from the pit of hell.

You are so deeply loved by God and He has a purpose for your life far greater than you could ever know. Call out to Him and He will meet you in the darkness.

I have seen it in my own mental health battle: I am loved, it can get better, and the ones I love would not be better off without me.

In that moment I thought I couldn’t go on and I had a plan to end my life in high school, God showed up. The simple words “I love you” from a loving God saved my life.

Put up a fight, take it just one day at a time, reach out to God and people for help. It may not feel like it today, but your life matters and it can get better.

If you are considering taking your own life or want to support someone considering suicide, visit for more resources. You don’t have to do this alone.

If you ever want prayer or more specific resources, send me a private messa

You are loved.

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